Wednesday, April 27, 2011
4/21
I am at Camp Hope. There are lingering worries/anxieties about my lesson on Saturday morning. Fear that I will misrepresent the message, cause misunderstanding, miss important/crucial details...all symptoms of my lack of faith. Forgive me Lord for my sinful distrust in Your sovereign grace. Were you not the one who formed these children before they were even born, planned every second of their lives, and loved them Ythrough the giving of Your one and only Son so that they might taste your goodness? There is nothing that you cannot do and nothing that I can do or say that will thwart Your perfect plans for them. I want to give up my fears, worries, hopes, dreams, and plans to You so that You can use me. Everytime I watch those fair dramas, I cry. Because I see me. I see what I've been saved from. And I'm humbled by your mercy.
I'm so so so so thankful for Heaven, who is sweet, outgoing, full of life/energy, funny, well-behaved, and loves dancing more than anything. I'm thankful for how open she is. She answers every question I ask her. When I asked if she had any questions she wanted to ask me - "I have SOOOO many questions to ask you!". All this I see as a HUGE blessing from You, Lord. Every hug I get, every smile, laugh, and moment - thank you, LORD.
Today during free time, we (me, Carmen, Crystal, Galene) were learning to cheer/dance from Shmaya and Heaven. Uhhhh best part of the day perhaps? I think I smiled and laughed for nearly 1.5 hours straight. My face hurts. So does my heart...because its struggling to contain all this joy and awesomeness.
4/22
You are awesome, God. AMAZING? ALMIGHTY? CRAZYBUS? Indescribable. None of these words suffice. I've experienced zero lows today. Everything was more than anything I could have imagined. I think most of all, amazed at what the Lord can do and has done to me. No stress. No anxiety. Just faith and overflowing thankfulness. Prayers answered before they even left our mouths. How perfect His plans are. How much greater they are than anything I could have imagined. Perhaps its been completely opposite of my camp experience last year - full of disappointment, struggle, and unbelief. Plagued by my own hopes, expectations, plans, and self-reliance.
4/23
Back home and already missing Camp Hope...I would choose Camp over a vacation at the beach ANY day. Somehow...camp was more restful/relaxing/awesome than the beach. I feel recharged, encouraged, alive, and full of HOPE. I'm in awe. Way too many favorite moments/highs that I fear I'll forget. I regret not recording them while at camp.
During camp, I felt this huge need/burden to pray with others, but especially with those girls who were struggling and feeling disappointed/frustrated...because I was in their shoes last year. I felt as though perhaps God had placed me in those same shoes before so that I might be able to encourage others going through the same thing. Made me that much more thankful for where He has brought and placed me this year. During break time on Thursday, I got to pray with Cynthia and Winyan. So very thankful for sisters. I had planned to work on my lesson during break, but it seems God had other plans for me.
But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me." 41But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are(BK) anxious and troubled about many things, 42but one thing is necessary.[e] Mary has chosen(BL) the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."
A few memories before they escape me: Thaddeus playing the role of Satan in Mission Impossible and wishing every second during the drama that I could adopt him (100% cuter with froggy/lost voice and boogers plastered all over his face), mastering double-dutch spinning, waking up to a giant gorilla spider next to my face and flying out of my bunk bed (not so scared of bugs anymore after seeing that one), ultimate frisbee (Thaddeus approaching me in a raspy whisper..."You wanna play with me?") with Mr.Ellian, Mr.Chris, George, Navin, Thad, paper plate making late at night with Ms.Linda's laughing, Zucchini the frog (Imani: ZUCCHINI...I mean...ZACCHAEUS), stink bug extermination/flushing, adventure hike (a first hiking experience for some)
It was last night during Good Friday where it hit me - I can't force this gospel or any lesson or fact into any child no matter how hard I try or how well I try to explain things. I can't be disappointed when it seems as though my kid is going to walk away from camp without having understood a word that came out of my mouth during those long talks and lengthy explanations. I'm powerless to do so. The Lord graciously brought me to that point of acceptance last night. Heaven fell asleep during the message and just didn't seem to be 'getting it'. I was tempted to be driven into despair and discouragement, but the Lord opened my eyes in that moment and gave me a whole new perspective. A NEW ATTITUDE, IF YOU WILL. He showed me that it wasn't time. No matter how much I wanted it to be. So we just talked (mostly about the boy she 'going with' - Marquelle). And her entire face lit up - the excitement and giddiness that spilled out of her just looking at him. Ok, so maybe we weren't supposed to be talking about boys during Good Friday service....but this was something she really cared about...A LOT. And how much I loved her and wanted to care about and be excited about the things that excited her. I asked her at one point during camp, "do you love God? How do you know you really do?". And she told me..."If I didn't, I wouldn't be here". And that just reminded me that it was HIM who brought her to camp, it's HIM doing a great work in her life. Not I. Not anyone else.
