last day of school

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I didn't want to look at little Kevin Peng in the face today. Didn't want to create any more reasons to miss the living crap out of that boy. I tried to cope by ignoring him, but couldn't resist playing an hour of monster tag this morning and singing 'Hey Soul Sister' one last time around the computer before I walked out the door. As a parting gift, I snuck a silly picture of us into his backpack with a brief documentation of all our favorite memories. I cried on my way home as "Break Away" by Kelly Clarkson was playing on the radio. As me an my coworker were tossing things into the dumpster today, we both agreed it twas a mighty depressing day. We've spent more time with these kids than anyone else in our lives - even our own families. So it's a weird when you realize this is the last time you'll ever see them again. If it weren't for the fact that I've been told that facebooking these kids 20 years from now would be considered "creepy" and "wrong", I'd totally do it.

LE SIGH

You Are More

Saturday, June 4, 2011

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

hmm

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. 'Which road do I take?' she asked. 'Where do you want to go?' was his response. 'I don't know,' Alice answered. 'Then,' said the cat, 'it doesn't matter.'

- Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

"The most important decision we face is the daily decision to live for Christ and die to self...God wants us to stop obsessing about the future and trust that He holds the future. We should put aside the passivity and the perfectionism and the quest for perfect fulfillment and get on with our lives"

"Die to self. Live for Christ. And then do what you want, and go where you want, for God's glory"

- Kevin Deyoung, Just Do Something

Your sorrow will turn into joy

Friday, May 27, 2011

1 John 5:14

And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us.

Mark 11:24

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

John 16:24

Until now yiou have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.

Because Scotty Smith knows exactly how to put things in words:

The bottom line, Lord? There are people I love very much I wish I could fix and control. There are storylines emerging for which I wish I could be a sovereign editor. There are re-do’s I wish I could do, and done’s I wish I could undo. There are “if only’s” dancing all around me, and “should’s” that don’t seem to have any chance of becoming “did’s.” God have mercy, Lord have mercy on me.

Jesus, if nothing changes in this situation, you are still good. If no miracle emerges, you are no less the Lord. If the situation gets even more broken, your name is still Redeemer. If I get even more frustrated, you’ll forbear with me all the more. I probably will get angrier and sadder, but you’ll love me none the less. Such is the wonder of the gospel. Such is the glory of who you are.

“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will (seek to) rejoice in the LORD, I will (seek to) be joyful in God my Savior” (Hab. 3:17-18). Jesus, I pray with humility and earnest longings, in your loving and faithful name.

memories only I'll remember

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

You know what the worst part of working with preschoolers is? They kind of fail at committing things to long-term memory. ie they forget you. How do I know this? Kids I worked with last year don't even recognize me this year. And its sad because for 1 whole year, they're my hypothetical children and they hypothetically belong to me. If I actually had children of my own, this is what I would do with them everyday and this is the amount of love and energy I'd invest into them. To give so much and see that a year later, all of it has been forgotten...yeaaah that's sort of saaad.

The child I will miss the most:

Kevin. I wish I could post a picture of him...but since that's not possible, you'll just have to trust me when I say he looks like a Japanese flying squirrel


I aspire to one day have a child of my own just like him - super intelligent, cute as crap, really good at rhyming. My coworkers and I have already made predictions concerning how our kids will one day contribute to society. We've decided that Kevin is going to play a key role in saving the human race from overpopulation and mass food shortages that will inevitably strike in approximately 50 years. He'll be a rapper on the side. After his kindergarten orientation this week, he came to me and screamed "I...CANNOT WAIT...ANOTHER SECOND FOR KINDERGARTEN. I WANT TO GO NOW. I WANT TO LEARN ABOUT EVERYTHING". I asked if he'd miss us all at preschool and he was like 'no. kindergarten is going to be so..amazing!'. That sort of hurt my soul. But then I was like, "you're probably right. You won't miss us because you'll have forgotten about us by then." He'll have forgotten the all those days we spent reading through BBC's Planet Earth textbook, watching Dinosaur Train episodes in our tent 'movie theatre', the countless science experiments he insisted we undertake as a result of our extensive youtube research, creating/illustrating our own adventure stories at the end of the day, drawing really intense treasure maps, the one time he had ever broke down in tears when I told him he would be the last to plant his sunflower seed, always coming to school smelling like seafood, reading 'If You Give A Mouse a Cookie' outside on the picnic table as a wee 4-year-old, and the best weekly creeking adventures.

I've asked my brother and someone else what they remember about their preschool teachers and they both said, "I remember that she was really fat. That's all." I guess I can only hope that I will be remembered for something other than the distribution of my body fat. And I guess I can hope that I haven't ruined any lives, haven't set anyone up for failure, and that these kids will turn out just a tiny bit more awesome as a result of their interactions with me.

Journal entires from Camp Hope 2011

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

4/21
I am at Camp Hope. There are lingering worries/anxieties about my lesson on Saturday morning. Fear that I will misrepresent the message, cause misunderstanding, miss important/crucial details...all symptoms of my lack of faith. Forgive me Lord for my sinful distrust in Your sovereign grace. Were you not the one who formed these children before they were even born, planned every second of their lives, and loved them Ythrough the giving of Your one and only Son so that they might taste your goodness? There is nothing that you cannot do and nothing that I can do or say that will thwart Your perfect plans for them. I want to give up my fears, worries, hopes, dreams, and plans to You so that You can use me. Everytime I watch those fair dramas, I cry. Because I see me. I see what I've been saved from. And I'm humbled by your mercy.

I'm so so so so thankful for Heaven, who is sweet, outgoing, full of life/energy, funny, well-behaved, and loves dancing more than anything. I'm thankful for how open she is. She answers every question I ask her. When I asked if she had any questions she wanted to ask me - "I have SOOOO many questions to ask you!". All this I see as a HUGE blessing from You, Lord. Every hug I get, every smile, laugh, and moment - thank you, LORD.

Today during free time, we (me, Carmen, Crystal, Galene) were learning to cheer/dance from Shmaya and Heaven. Uhhhh best part of the day perhaps? I think I smiled and laughed for nearly 1.5 hours straight. My face hurts. So does my heart...because its struggling to contain all this joy and awesomeness.

4/22
You are awesome, God. AMAZING? ALMIGHTY? CRAZYBUS? Indescribable. None of these words suffice. I've experienced zero lows today. Everything was more than anything I could have imagined. I think most of all, amazed at what the Lord can do and has done to me. No stress. No anxiety. Just faith and overflowing thankfulness. Prayers answered before they even left our mouths. How perfect His plans are. How much greater they are than anything I could have imagined. Perhaps its been completely opposite of my camp experience last year - full of disappointment, struggle, and unbelief. Plagued by my own hopes, expectations, plans, and self-reliance.

4/23
Back home and already missing Camp Hope...I would choose Camp over a vacation at the beach ANY day. Somehow...camp was more restful/relaxing/awesome than the beach. I feel recharged, encouraged, alive, and full of HOPE. I'm in awe. Way too many favorite moments/highs that I fear I'll forget. I regret not recording them while at camp.

During camp, I felt this huge need/burden to pray with others, but especially with those girls who were struggling and feeling disappointed/frustrated...because I was in their shoes last year. I felt as though perhaps God had placed me in those same shoes before so that I might be able to encourage others going through the same thing. Made me that much more thankful for where He has brought and placed me this year. During break time on Thursday, I got to pray with Cynthia and Winyan. So very thankful for sisters. I had planned to work on my lesson during break, but it seems God had other plans for me.

But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me." ⁴¹But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are^(BK) anxious and troubled about many things, ⁴²but one thing is necessary.^[e] Mary has chosen^(BL) the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

A few memories before they escape me: Thaddeus playing the role of Satan in Mission Impossible and wishing every second during the drama that I could adopt him (100% cuter with froggy/lost voice and boogers plastered all over his face), mastering double-dutch spinning, waking up to a giant gorilla spider next to my face and flying out of my bunk bed (not so scared of bugs anymore after seeing that one), ultimate frisbee (Thaddeus approaching me in a raspy whisper..."You wanna play with me?") with Mr.Ellian, Mr.Chris, George, Navin, Thad, paper plate making late at night with Ms.Linda's laughing, Zucchini the frog (Imani: ZUCCHINI...I mean...ZACCHAEUS), stink bug extermination/flushing, adventure hike (a first hiking experience for some)

It was last night during Good Friday where it hit me - I can't force this gospel or any lesson or fact into any child no matter how hard I try or how well I try to explain things. I can't be disappointed when it seems as though my kid is going to walk away from camp without having understood a word that came out of my mouth during those long talks and lengthy explanations. I'm powerless to do so. The Lord graciously brought me to that point of acceptance last night. Heaven fell asleep during the message and just didn't seem to be 'getting it'. I was tempted to be driven into despair and discouragement, but the Lord opened my eyes in that moment and gave me a whole new perspective. A NEW ATTITUDE, IF YOU WILL. He showed me that it wasn't time. No matter how much I wanted it to be. So we just talked (mostly about the boy she 'going with' - Marquelle). And her entire face lit up - the excitement and giddiness that spilled out of her just looking at him. Ok, so maybe we weren't supposed to be talking about boys during Good Friday service....but this was something she really cared about...A LOT. And how much I loved her and wanted to care about and be excited about the things that excited her. I asked her at one point during camp, "do you love God? How do you know you really do?". And she told me..."If I didn't, I wouldn't be here". And that just reminded me that it was HIM who brought her to camp, it's HIM doing a great work in her life. Not I. Not anyone else.

oy

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Matt: did...did I just fart? I don't think I did..... but it smells like fart. Therefore, I must have farted.