The old has gone, the new has come

Sunday, June 19, 2011

My mom asked each of us kiddos to write a letter of appreciation to my dad. Easy, right? Perhaps not. I spent 2 hours crying in the bathroom and blowing a nearly endless supply of snot into 1/2 a roll of toilet paper. I couldn't even explain to myself why I was crying. All I felt was brokenness. 23 years of hatred and hurt pouring out of my eyeballs. I didn't know what to do with it, so crying seemed like the best way to deal. So there I was sitting at my computer at 2am convinced I couldn't forgive him. I didn't know how to let it go. So all I could do was pray and plead with God to take it from me. And He did. And He reminded me that the Dad I see in front of me today, is not the same short-tempered, cold, heartless, unforgiving one I've grown up with all my life. This past year alone, me and Matt have witnessed a complete transformation in him. And all of the sudden, I'm in awe of our God's incredible grace and mercy. All of the sudden, I no longer have a reason to hold onto that hurt and anger. It's gone.

Eph 3:20-21 - Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Matt 19:26 - But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

2 Cor 5:17 - Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

Eph 2:14 - For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility

Imagine me

last day of school

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I didn't want to look at little Kevin Peng in the face today. Didn't want to create any more reasons to miss the living crap out of that boy. I tried to cope by ignoring him, but couldn't resist playing an hour of monster tag this morning and singing 'Hey Soul Sister' one last time around the computer before I walked out the door. As a parting gift, I snuck a silly picture of us into his backpack with a brief documentation of all our favorite memories. I cried on my way home as "Break Away" by Kelly Clarkson was playing on the radio. As me an my coworker were tossing things into the dumpster today, we both agreed it twas a mighty depressing day. We've spent more time with these kids than anyone else in our lives - even our own families. So it's a weird when you realize this is the last time you'll ever see them again. If it weren't for the fact that I've been told that facebooking these kids 20 years from now would be considered "creepy" and "wrong", I'd totally do it.

LE SIGH

You Are More

Saturday, June 4, 2011

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

hmm

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. 'Which road do I take?' she asked. 'Where do you want to go?' was his response. 'I don't know,' Alice answered. 'Then,' said the cat, 'it doesn't matter.'

- Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

"The most important decision we face is the daily decision to live for Christ and die to self...God wants us to stop obsessing about the future and trust that He holds the future. We should put aside the passivity and the perfectionism and the quest for perfect fulfillment and get on with our lives"

"Die to self. Live for Christ. And then do what you want, and go where you want, for God's glory"

- Kevin Deyoung, Just Do Something

Your sorrow will turn into joy

Friday, May 27, 2011

1 John 5:14

And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us.

Mark 11:24

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

John 16:24

Until now yiou have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.

Because Scotty Smith knows exactly how to put things in words:

The bottom line, Lord? There are people I love very much I wish I could fix and control. There are storylines emerging for which I wish I could be a sovereign editor. There are re-do’s I wish I could do, and done’s I wish I could undo. There are “if only’s” dancing all around me, and “should’s” that don’t seem to have any chance of becoming “did’s.” God have mercy, Lord have mercy on me.

Jesus, if nothing changes in this situation, you are still good. If no miracle emerges, you are no less the Lord. If the situation gets even more broken, your name is still Redeemer. If I get even more frustrated, you’ll forbear with me all the more. I probably will get angrier and sadder, but you’ll love me none the less. Such is the wonder of the gospel. Such is the glory of who you are.

“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will (seek to) rejoice in the LORD, I will (seek to) be joyful in God my Savior” (Hab. 3:17-18). Jesus, I pray with humility and earnest longings, in your loving and faithful name.

memories only I'll remember

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

You know what the worst part of working with preschoolers is? They kind of fail at committing things to long-term memory. ie they forget you. How do I know this? Kids I worked with last year don't even recognize me this year. And its sad because for 1 whole year, they're my hypothetical children and they hypothetically belong to me. If I actually had children of my own, this is what I would do with them everyday and this is the amount of love and energy I'd invest into them. To give so much and see that a year later, all of it has been forgotten...yeaaah that's sort of saaad.

The child I will miss the most:

Kevin. I wish I could post a picture of him...but since that's not possible, you'll just have to trust me when I say he looks like a Japanese flying squirrel


I aspire to one day have a child of my own just like him - super intelligent, cute as crap, really good at rhyming. My coworkers and I have already made predictions concerning how our kids will one day contribute to society. We've decided that Kevin is going to play a key role in saving the human race from overpopulation and mass food shortages that will inevitably strike in approximately 50 years. He'll be a rapper on the side. After his kindergarten orientation this week, he came to me and screamed "I...CANNOT WAIT...ANOTHER SECOND FOR KINDERGARTEN. I WANT TO GO NOW. I WANT TO LEARN ABOUT EVERYTHING". I asked if he'd miss us all at preschool and he was like 'no. kindergarten is going to be so..amazing!'. That sort of hurt my soul. But then I was like, "you're probably right. You won't miss us because you'll have forgotten about us by then." He'll have forgotten the all those days we spent reading through BBC's Planet Earth textbook, watching Dinosaur Train episodes in our tent 'movie theatre', the countless science experiments he insisted we undertake as a result of our extensive youtube research, creating/illustrating our own adventure stories at the end of the day, drawing really intense treasure maps, the one time he had ever broke down in tears when I told him he would be the last to plant his sunflower seed, always coming to school smelling like seafood, reading 'If You Give A Mouse a Cookie' outside on the picnic table as a wee 4-year-old, and the best weekly creeking adventures.

I've asked my brother and someone else what they remember about their preschool teachers and they both said, "I remember that she was really fat. That's all." I guess I can only hope that I will be remembered for something other than the distribution of my body fat. And I guess I can hope that I haven't ruined any lives, haven't set anyone up for failure, and that these kids will turn out just a tiny bit more awesome as a result of their interactions with me.