Thanks givin'

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

So there's this particular time of the month where all I'm capable of doing is eating a lot of food and being really irrational/emotional. It's quite horrible really....UNLESS said time of the month happens to coincide with Thanksgiving day. Result: stomach capacity and consumption rate tripled. Good. game. All the turducken are belong to me.

Unfortunately, day after Thanksgiving was easily one of the worst days of my life. Mostly because I almost died. Had planned on touring DC/museums with Jen + Josh + Shea, but ended up lying on some random bench in front of the Natural History Museum...suffering from the worst pain I have ever experienced in all my years of life. I remember thinking to myself, "should I tell them to call the hospital? NONONO, I'm stronger than this. Wait......ok. I am dying for real. Or I am giving birth to an alien. Dear God, please don't let me die on this bench". I was able to somehow babble through the pain and delirium that Jen/Josh/Shea needed to go walk around DC without me and check out some memorials because it was an absurdly beautiful day. They left. I passed out on the bench in fetal position. I awoke 30 minutes later....alive. Much of the pain had subsided (thank you God and Jen for Advil) but I was clearly dehydrated, dizzy, and disoriented. Long story short, an old Romanian man came along, sat on my bench, stared at me, started making 'friendly' talk, which quickly evolved into....UNSOLICITED HUGS AND SMOOCHY FACES. D: I GTFO'd, to say the least. Reconvened with cousins at Natural History Museum feeling 300% dirtier than when they left me. 

Not gonna lie. It was hard watching Turkey Bowl this year for more reasons than one. Of course I miss the team, the comraderie/fellowship...but deep down I know what I miss the most is that overwhelming sense of accomplishment I felt every time I scored a touchdown or made an interception. Football made me feel like I was somebody and I was so willing to give everything I had to get to the top and be the best I could possibly be. It wasn't so much of a dedication to the team as it was dedication to nurturing my deep hunger for achievement and glory. But thanks to God (and another ACL tear), He has been humbling and freeing me from this particular 'deep' idol. And in these times when I'm tempted to wallow in self-pity over disappointments and failures, wish that circumstances were different, or doubt His goodness/fairness...He gives me grace to realize that my life is a gift infinitely better than anything I deserve. He gives me grace to believe and be thankful that He works all things together for His glory and my greatest good. Last year on Turkey Bowl morning, I wrote this verse on my wrist - "He must become greater, I must become less" - John 3:30. I prayed that He would do whatever it would take to make that happen. He did. And for that I am overwhelmingly thankful.

He takes away. But He also replaces with something so much more amazing.

I have a shelter

Thursday, November 3, 2011

I have a shelter in the storm
When troubles pour upon me
Though fears are rising like a flood
My soul can rest securely
O Jesus, I will hide in You
My place of peace and solace
No trial is deeper than Your love
That comforts all my sorrows

I have a shelter in the storm
When all my sins accuse me
Though justice charges me with guilt
Your grace will not refuse me
O Jesus, I will hide in You
Who bore my condemnation
I find my refuge in Your wounds
For there I find salvation

I have a shelter in the storm
When constant winds would break me
For in my weakness, I have learned
Your strength will not forsake me
O Jesus, I will hide in You
The One who bears my burdens
With faithful hands that cannot fail
You’ll bring me home to heaven

By Steve & Vikki Cook and Bob Kauflin

Christ is the point

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

"There are times when even the most dedicated Christian will recognize that his or her life is still in shambles, still driven by selfishness, still filled with doubt and confusion about God. At such times, panic can set in. Am I really a Christian? Is God working in my life to bring me into deeper fellowship with him? Has God given me the gift of grace? Will I enjoy the fellowship of heaven? Do I believe enough to be saved? The very fact that these sorts of questions bother us at such times shows that the Holy Spirit is, in fact, working in our lives. One of the Holy Spirit’s jobs is to convict the world of sin and guilt (see John 16:8). So the paradox is that when we’re troubled like this, it’s the very sign of God working in our lives to bring us into deeper fellowship with him.

And of course, we do not believe enough to be saved. Of course, selfishness rules our hearts in too many ways. Of course, we have doubts and confusion about God. It’s called sin. But the gospel calls us to stop looking at ourselves—at our doubts, our sins, and our choices. The gospel says look to Christ. Don’t trust in your ability to choose right or even to trust perfectly. Look to Christ, who died for sinners. Faith is recognizing the reality of our situation and the deeper reality of our Savior. Faith is the drowning man grasping the outstretched arm of his rescuer. Faith includes a response, but our response is not the main thing. Christ is."

--Mark Galli

"My Christ"

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Who can understand the riches of the glory of this grace? Here this rich and divine bridegroom Christ marries this poor, wicked harlot, redeems her from all her evil, and adorns her with all his goodness. Her sins cannot now destroy her, since they are laid upon Christ and swallowed up by him. And she has that righteousness in Christ, her husband, of which she may boast as of her own and which she can confidently display alongside her sins in the face of death and hell and say, "If I have sinned, yet my Christ, in whom I believe, has not sinned, and all his is mine and all mine is his" (from Martin Luther, Three Treatises, p. 287).

O Great God

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Sometimes I just recite these lyrics when my heart is just too heavy and I find myself silenced in prayer...

O great God of highest heaven
Occupy my lowly heart
Own it all and reign supreme
Conquer every rebel power
Let no vice or sin remain
That resists Your holy war
You have loved and purchased me
Make me Yours forevermore

I was blinded by my sin
Had no ears to hear Your voice
Did not know Your love within
Had no taste for heaven’s joys
Then Your Spirit gave me life
Opened up Your Word to me
Through the gospel of Your Son
Gave me endless hope and peace

Help me now to live a life
That’s dependent on Your grace
Keep my heart and guard my soul
From the evils that I face
You are worthy to be praised
With my every thought and deed
O great God of highest heaven
Glorify Your Name through me

On October 13, 2008 I wrote...

I'm eating a lean cuisine microwave dinner thing with Blueberry green tea. Lemon breaded fish atop a bed of rice, the tiniest broccoli florets I have ever seen, and a peach/apple thing with granola. it's the first microwave dinner I've had in years and the first meal I've sincerely thanked God for.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Rejoice/pray/give thanks always

Monday, September 19, 2011

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you

Philippians 4:4-7
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

word

Thursday, September 15, 2011

best quotes of the day

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

gotta love 3-year-olds with speech impediments...

Kayleigh (wearing a hello kitty shirt): HI MISS BEH-EE
me: Hi Kayleigh! Who's that on you shirt?
Kayleigh: HELLO...TITTY!

Hendrix: *abruptly stops Mason's bike and holds firmly onto handles* GUESS WHAT? IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY AND I BROUGHT CUPCAKES TO SHARE!
Mason (stone-cold serious face): ....I am going to eat all your cakes
Hendrix: ...what? You can't eat all of them! Well..maybe like....five

Nicholas: who's that girl over there?
Ms. Carla: that's Holly
Nicholas: Oh. Can I hug her?
Ms. Carla: no, because she's a stranger and you don't know her. But you can give Ms. Becky a hug.
Nicholas: *runs over and gives me a hug*

Jesus, the founder and perfector of our faith

Friday, September 9, 2011

Hebrew 12:1-3
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Camping success

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Best hour-long conversation with a 4-year-old....

Me: what's your favorite fruit?
Eva-Jolie: bananas!
Me: niiiiice. you should try eating your bananas with peanut butter some time. It's really good.
EJ: Is that how you eat your bananas? I was thinking about mixing banana with blueberry jam. I think it might turn green. Because I'm pretty sure yellow and blue make green
Me: I think you're right. Can you try it when you get home and let me know what happens?
EJ: ok. Um.......do you know your phone number?
Jeremy (clearly jealous): Uh Becky? Are you giving out phone numbers over there?

Had an army of little girls following me around all weekend. Upon first encounters, assigned everyone an excellent nickname: Dora, Boots, Map, Mary Moo Cow, Swiper (Jeremy) and Backpack (Lydia). As tiring as it was to have multiple children simultaneously attached to each and every one of my limbs, I felt so blessed to be a source of entertainment and childish inspiration to them. Attempted to teach them how to skip rocks at the lake...but the Map kept closing her eyes and flinging rocks in the direction of other children. Found a dead fish, named it Pedro, directed children in making proper burial/eulogy preparations, tried to make Pedro a leaf boat to send him off into the lake (fail), had the the Map throw Pedro's body as far as she could (success).

Performed pretty poorly in the corn-shucking competition. Must begin training for next year....

=(

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Matt is going off to school tomorrow. It hasn't quite sunk in, but I'm fairly certain I will completely lose it at some point during this week. Good thing I'm crippled and have an excuse to avoid witnessing all the packing and such going on upstairs.

Gave him a high-quality spoon to take with him. I guess that's a pretty good gauge of how much I care for someone - by my willingness to give you one of my spoons.

In Christ alone my hope is found

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

"Cynicism kills hope. The world of the cynic is fixed and immovable; the cynic believes we are swept along by forces greater than we are. Dreaming feels like so much foolishness. Risk becomes intolerable. Prayer feels pointless, as if we are talking to the wind. But Jesus is all about hope. " - Paul Miller

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Psalm 62:5-8

holy calzone

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Inconceivable. It is August. How is it August? Also...I'm 24 years old. GAH. How is any of this possible?

My 2nd ACL reconstruction + meniscus repair combo surgery. I always have the best times in post-op recovery room. It could and most likely does have something to do with drugs and anesthesia, but I'd like to believe that post-op nurses are the nicest people in the whole entire world. I remember as I slowly regained consciousness, a whole team of them told me I had done a really awesome job (remaining sedated yet not dying in my sleep) and offered me apple juice! There are few things in this world I love more than false compliments and apple juice....so I graciously accepted both (but promptly threw up the apple juice 5 minutes later).

First week back home is all but a blurred memory. I think I drank soup or something. But I also remember waking up at 3am one morning in a drugged, anxious state of mind...and I started pondering life and crying because my knee brace was too heavy of a burden for me to bear at that moment. And then at one point I promised myself I was going to learn about important things in the morning when I woke up. When morning came.....I started reading the Constitution for no other purpose than to fulfill the promise I had made to myself. 

Second week....unless I contract anthrax or ebola at some point in my life, i will NEVER again seek aid from antibiotics. I faintly recall having a bad reaction to antibiotics last time I had surgery, but I couldn't quite remember specific adverse effects. Now I do. And now the flames of hatred have been rekindled.

Life Verse

Saturday, July 9, 2011

2 Corinthians 12:7-10
To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.” - Psalm 16:2

Thank you Lord for weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, difficulties, trials, pain, suffering, and failures that point me back to Your all sufficient grace and my perpetual need for an all sufficient Savior that never fails. Father, continue to free me from the fear of failure: Free me from the lies that I'll never be good enough, the need to prove myself worthy, and the pressure to make something of myself. Give me greater confidence in You, Lord. Not in myself. Lord, be my all in all. Enable me to see and believe the freedom I already have in Your Son:

"Because Jesus was strong for me, I am free to be weak;
Because Jesus won for me, I am free to lose;
Because Jesus was Someone, I am free to be no one;
Because Jesus was extraordinary, I am free to be ordinary;

Because Jesus succeeded for me, I am free to fail." - Tullian Tchividjian

goodness gracious

Monday, July 4, 2011

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....stupefied? Confuzzled? Nauseated? How do I put into words how I am currently feeling? Anyways, strange and coincidental things a-happenin' round here.

more reasons to hate donuts

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I'm not exactly certain what the maximum velocity of a krispy kreme donut being thrown out of a moving vehicle is, but I would estimate something like....fast enough to hurt my feelings

I don't know. I just have a few questions for you, anonymous donut man. Like...what are you doing eating donuts at such a late hour? And...what has to go through your mind to be able to throw donuts at strangers? I think what bothers me the most is that I'll never know the identity of the culprit behind my drive-by donutting. Por ejemplo, if I'm driving behind someone who is 30mph under the speed limit, I feel compelled to know who this person is so that I might determine to what degree they are deserving of forgiveness. Asian grandma? Forgiven. So I guess what I'm having trouble with is the ability to forgive a faceless, unidentifiable person who has wronged me in such a way, that I hate donuts more than I ever have. Are you a small child who just really hated your boston-creme filled pastry? Forgiven. Highschool hooligan with no morals and a burning passion to inflict pain on others? I don't know maaaaan.

Kid quotes from the first week of summer

Friday, June 24, 2011

(at the pool)
Me: Hey Vasilios, are those earplugs working alright?
Vasi: (blank stare)....WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Me: awesome.

(at the Leesburg Animal Park)
Aldabra tortoise: *does this*
Vasilios: Hey guys...the turtles are playing rough again!
Other children: *congregate around tortoise enclosure and start to make tortoise mating noises*
Park staff: they're like exhibitionists. They only do this when there are tons of kids watching.

journal entry from 5/28

Wrote this in my journal during retreat. Perhaps it is no coincidence at all that I've had the best conversations of my life with multiple people in the past 3 weeks, including the parentals, older sibling, best bud, and a pretty stupendous sister in Christ.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I pray more than anything this weekend that God would transform my heart and my mind. That He would take this selfish, self-centered, self-loving heart and replace it with one that desires to sincerely love others with pure motives. I pray He would show me what it means to 'attain to the unity of faith' and that He would make me increase and abound in love for others, that He would teach me to to love others, and free me from my sinful desire to be loved and the temptation to put on a mask of someone I'm not.

Psalm 62:5-8
Find rest O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my Rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge 

"Our salvation and honor depend on what Christ has done for us, not what we can do for You. continue to free me from the fear of not doing enough to please you and the arrogance of thinking I could ever do enough to earn your favor.

Jesus, I want greater freedom from living for people's approval. I want to be able to respond to trying situations with grace and wisdom rather than irritation and fear. i want freedom to value and love the way you value, see, and love them. I want to be bolder in sharing the gospel. Make me freer, Jesus, for your glory." - Scotty Smith

My pride and joy

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

small-scale farming

mesclun lettuce rows + 3 varieties of tomatoes

ICHIBAN EGGPLANT

So beautiful I don't even want to eat it

Basil

Greenbeans

cutie patooties

The old has gone, the new has come

Sunday, June 19, 2011

My mom asked each of us kiddos to write a letter of appreciation to my dad. Easy, right? Perhaps not. I spent 2 hours crying in the bathroom and blowing a nearly endless supply of snot into 1/2 a roll of toilet paper. I couldn't even explain to myself why I was crying. All I felt was brokenness. 23 years of hatred and hurt pouring out of my eyeballs. I didn't know what to do with it, so crying seemed like the best way to deal. So there I was sitting at my computer at 2am convinced I couldn't forgive him. I didn't know how to let it go. So all I could do was pray and plead with God to take it from me. And He did. And He reminded me that the Dad I see in front of me today, is not the same short-tempered, cold, heartless, unforgiving one I've grown up with all my life. This past year alone, me and Matt have witnessed a complete transformation in him. And all of the sudden, I'm in awe of our God's incredible grace and mercy. All of the sudden, I no longer have a reason to hold onto that hurt and anger. It's gone.

Eph 3:20-21 - Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Matt 19:26 - But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

2 Cor 5:17 - Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

Eph 2:14 - For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility

Imagine me

last day of school

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I didn't want to look at little Kevin Peng in the face today. Didn't want to create any more reasons to miss the living crap out of that boy. I tried to cope by ignoring him, but couldn't resist playing an hour of monster tag this morning and singing 'Hey Soul Sister' one last time around the computer before I walked out the door. As a parting gift, I snuck a silly picture of us into his backpack with a brief documentation of all our favorite memories. I cried on my way home as "Break Away" by Kelly Clarkson was playing on the radio. As me an my coworker were tossing things into the dumpster today, we both agreed it twas a mighty depressing day. We've spent more time with these kids than anyone else in our lives - even our own families. So it's a weird when you realize this is the last time you'll ever see them again. If it weren't for the fact that I've been told that facebooking these kids 20 years from now would be considered "creepy" and "wrong", I'd totally do it.

LE SIGH

You Are More

Saturday, June 4, 2011

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

hmm

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. 'Which road do I take?' she asked. 'Where do you want to go?' was his response. 'I don't know,' Alice answered. 'Then,' said the cat, 'it doesn't matter.'

- Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

"The most important decision we face is the daily decision to live for Christ and die to self...God wants us to stop obsessing about the future and trust that He holds the future. We should put aside the passivity and the perfectionism and the quest for perfect fulfillment and get on with our lives"

"Die to self. Live for Christ. And then do what you want, and go where you want, for God's glory"

- Kevin Deyoung, Just Do Something

Your sorrow will turn into joy

Friday, May 27, 2011

1 John 5:14

And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us.

Mark 11:24

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

John 16:24

Until now yiou have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.

Because Scotty Smith knows exactly how to put things in words:

The bottom line, Lord? There are people I love very much I wish I could fix and control. There are storylines emerging for which I wish I could be a sovereign editor. There are re-do’s I wish I could do, and done’s I wish I could undo. There are “if only’s” dancing all around me, and “should’s” that don’t seem to have any chance of becoming “did’s.” God have mercy, Lord have mercy on me.

Jesus, if nothing changes in this situation, you are still good. If no miracle emerges, you are no less the Lord. If the situation gets even more broken, your name is still Redeemer. If I get even more frustrated, you’ll forbear with me all the more. I probably will get angrier and sadder, but you’ll love me none the less. Such is the wonder of the gospel. Such is the glory of who you are.

“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will (seek to) rejoice in the LORD, I will (seek to) be joyful in God my Savior” (Hab. 3:17-18). Jesus, I pray with humility and earnest longings, in your loving and faithful name.

memories only I'll remember

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

You know what the worst part of working with preschoolers is? They kind of fail at committing things to long-term memory. ie they forget you. How do I know this? Kids I worked with last year don't even recognize me this year. And its sad because for 1 whole year, they're my hypothetical children and they hypothetically belong to me. If I actually had children of my own, this is what I would do with them everyday and this is the amount of love and energy I'd invest into them. To give so much and see that a year later, all of it has been forgotten...yeaaah that's sort of saaad.

The child I will miss the most:

Kevin. I wish I could post a picture of him...but since that's not possible, you'll just have to trust me when I say he looks like a Japanese flying squirrel


I aspire to one day have a child of my own just like him - super intelligent, cute as crap, really good at rhyming. My coworkers and I have already made predictions concerning how our kids will one day contribute to society. We've decided that Kevin is going to play a key role in saving the human race from overpopulation and mass food shortages that will inevitably strike in approximately 50 years. He'll be a rapper on the side. After his kindergarten orientation this week, he came to me and screamed "I...CANNOT WAIT...ANOTHER SECOND FOR KINDERGARTEN. I WANT TO GO NOW. I WANT TO LEARN ABOUT EVERYTHING". I asked if he'd miss us all at preschool and he was like 'no. kindergarten is going to be so..amazing!'. That sort of hurt my soul. But then I was like, "you're probably right. You won't miss us because you'll have forgotten about us by then." He'll have forgotten the all those days we spent reading through BBC's Planet Earth textbook, watching Dinosaur Train episodes in our tent 'movie theatre', the countless science experiments he insisted we undertake as a result of our extensive youtube research, creating/illustrating our own adventure stories at the end of the day, drawing really intense treasure maps, the one time he had ever broke down in tears when I told him he would be the last to plant his sunflower seed, always coming to school smelling like seafood, reading 'If You Give A Mouse a Cookie' outside on the picnic table as a wee 4-year-old, and the best weekly creeking adventures.

I've asked my brother and someone else what they remember about their preschool teachers and they both said, "I remember that she was really fat. That's all." I guess I can only hope that I will be remembered for something other than the distribution of my body fat. And I guess I can hope that I haven't ruined any lives, haven't set anyone up for failure, and that these kids will turn out just a tiny bit more awesome as a result of their interactions with me.

Journal entires from Camp Hope 2011

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

4/21
I am at Camp Hope. There are lingering worries/anxieties about my lesson on Saturday morning. Fear that I will misrepresent the message, cause misunderstanding, miss important/crucial details...all symptoms of my lack of faith. Forgive me Lord for my sinful distrust in Your sovereign grace. Were you not the one who formed these children before they were even born, planned every second of their lives, and loved them Ythrough the giving of Your one and only Son so that they might taste your goodness? There is nothing that you cannot do and nothing that I can do or say that will thwart Your perfect plans for them. I want to give up my fears, worries, hopes, dreams, and plans to You so that You can use me. Everytime I watch those fair dramas, I cry. Because I see me. I see what I've been saved from. And I'm humbled by your mercy.

I'm so so so so thankful for Heaven, who is sweet, outgoing, full of life/energy, funny, well-behaved, and loves dancing more than anything. I'm thankful for how open she is. She answers every question I ask her. When I asked if she had any questions she wanted to ask me - "I have SOOOO many questions to ask you!". All this I see as a HUGE blessing from You, Lord. Every hug I get, every smile, laugh, and moment - thank you, LORD.

Today during free time, we (me, Carmen, Crystal, Galene) were learning to cheer/dance from Shmaya and Heaven. Uhhhh best part of the day perhaps? I think I smiled and laughed for nearly 1.5 hours straight. My face hurts. So does my heart...because its struggling to contain all this joy and awesomeness.

4/22
You are awesome, God. AMAZING? ALMIGHTY? CRAZYBUS? Indescribable. None of these words suffice. I've experienced zero lows today. Everything was more than anything I could have imagined. I think most of all, amazed at what the Lord can do and has done to me. No stress. No anxiety. Just faith and overflowing thankfulness. Prayers answered before they even left our mouths. How perfect His plans are. How much greater they are than anything I could have imagined. Perhaps its been completely opposite of my camp experience last year - full of disappointment, struggle, and unbelief. Plagued by my own hopes, expectations, plans, and self-reliance.

4/23
Back home and already missing Camp Hope...I would choose Camp over a vacation at the beach ANY day. Somehow...camp was more restful/relaxing/awesome than the beach. I feel recharged, encouraged, alive, and full of HOPE. I'm in awe. Way too many favorite moments/highs that I fear I'll forget. I regret not recording them while at camp.

During camp, I felt this huge need/burden to pray with others, but especially with those girls who were struggling and feeling disappointed/frustrated...because I was in their shoes last year. I felt as though perhaps God had placed me in those same shoes before so that I might be able to encourage others going through the same thing. Made me that much more thankful for where He has brought and placed me this year. During break time on Thursday, I got to pray with Cynthia and Winyan. So very thankful for sisters. I had planned to work on my lesson during break, but it seems God had other plans for me.

But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me." ⁴¹But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are^(BK) anxious and troubled about many things, ⁴²but one thing is necessary.^[e] Mary has chosen^(BL) the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

A few memories before they escape me: Thaddeus playing the role of Satan in Mission Impossible and wishing every second during the drama that I could adopt him (100% cuter with froggy/lost voice and boogers plastered all over his face), mastering double-dutch spinning, waking up to a giant gorilla spider next to my face and flying out of my bunk bed (not so scared of bugs anymore after seeing that one), ultimate frisbee (Thaddeus approaching me in a raspy whisper..."You wanna play with me?") with Mr.Ellian, Mr.Chris, George, Navin, Thad, paper plate making late at night with Ms.Linda's laughing, Zucchini the frog (Imani: ZUCCHINI...I mean...ZACCHAEUS), stink bug extermination/flushing, adventure hike (a first hiking experience for some)

It was last night during Good Friday where it hit me - I can't force this gospel or any lesson or fact into any child no matter how hard I try or how well I try to explain things. I can't be disappointed when it seems as though my kid is going to walk away from camp without having understood a word that came out of my mouth during those long talks and lengthy explanations. I'm powerless to do so. The Lord graciously brought me to that point of acceptance last night. Heaven fell asleep during the message and just didn't seem to be 'getting it'. I was tempted to be driven into despair and discouragement, but the Lord opened my eyes in that moment and gave me a whole new perspective. A NEW ATTITUDE, IF YOU WILL. He showed me that it wasn't time. No matter how much I wanted it to be. So we just talked (mostly about the boy she 'going with' - Marquelle). And her entire face lit up - the excitement and giddiness that spilled out of her just looking at him. Ok, so maybe we weren't supposed to be talking about boys during Good Friday service....but this was something she really cared about...A LOT. And how much I loved her and wanted to care about and be excited about the things that excited her. I asked her at one point during camp, "do you love God? How do you know you really do?". And she told me..."If I didn't, I wouldn't be here". And that just reminded me that it was HIM who brought her to camp, it's HIM doing a great work in her life. Not I. Not anyone else.

oy

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Matt: did...did I just fart? I don't think I did..... but it smells like fart. Therefore, I must have farted.